Building a Family

family

noun  fam·i·ly  \ ˈfam-lē , ˈfa-mə- \

plural families

1a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children;also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family 

• a single-parent family

b : spouse and children 

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    • I wanted to start out with the dictionary's definition of a family.  This portion is what applies to this post.  It is especially poignant to me because the very first sentence is how almost everyone understands a family.  The part that really speaks to me is that the definition doesn't just stop there.  It then goes on to state that a family is also defined as "any various units differing from but regarded as equal". 
     
    As Mark and I prepare for our upcoming wedding, we have been talking about the idea of what makes a family.  We have answered questions from family members on both sides about how we will "work" as a family.  We have even been asked to describe our day to day routine with the kids.  Mark has been asked many times if he is ready to take on the responsibility of a ready made family.  All these questions have done a couple things.  First, it kind of pisses me off.  Clearly, especially since we have been functioning as a family for a couple years now, we have both looked at that.  All of the challenges and issues that come with being a blended family have already been worked through and discussed.  The second thing these discussions and questions have done is made Mark and I reflect on these very challenges.  It has forced us to talk about our own families and upbringings.  About what we want to instill and model for the kids, especially in light of the relationship models they have had early on.  They have seen relationship dysfunction play out.  
    
    (For the record, I am not pissed about any of the questions and concerns raised to us anymore.)
    
    With all of the questions and uncertainties that we ourselves have worked through, and some remain, and with all of the questions and concerns others have raised, here are the things that are certain.
    
    We already are a family.  From the very first date Mark and I went on, he was accepting that he was dating a father, and with that came certain limitations.  He has embraced each one of the kids, and they have their own special connection.   From the instant we moved in together, in a very unspoken way, he has become my partner in all things family.  Including parenting.  He does seem like somewhat of a natural.  Although I am their father, most often I discuss parenting issues and decisions with him first.  He is just as much invested into the kids lives as I am, but his investment is by choice.  That is powerful.  On Christmas morning, I got the phone call every parent dreads.  JB, our oldest, had been in a car crash.  He was just as upset a twisted in knots as I was.  At first I thought he was being supportive and empathetic, but when he shed some tears over it, he explained that he was just as worried as I was.  He stayed strong all day.  He got the other kids ready for the day, while I went to the hospital with my son.  OUR son.  Although that will go down as one of my most emotional and terrifying Christmases, it was also the Christmas that I realized, maybe for the first time, that our relationship, our life together, is bigger than just us.  My brother and sister gained a brother.  My mother, another son.  And he fits.  His father is gaining another son.  A set of grandkids he didn't ever expect.  Even my ex-wife feels a sense of commonality with Mark, simply because of the kids.  We are all connected now, and it is all because of one date.
    
    Here is what else is certain.  Both Mark and I are committed to do whatever it takes to tackle and overcome any obstacle.  We already have.  We have supported each other through our own separate journeys of healing and restoration.  We have comforted each other through sadness and hurt.  We have celebrated each other's victories and successes, understanding fully that each individual step is also a step for US.
    
    So back to the definition of family.  Another part of the definition that I love is this:
    any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family 
    
    I know it's a novelty to some people, but we really do have a very average, even sometimes mundane household.  Seems pretty equivalent to a "normal" family to me!  We all work together to keep the house up when the kids are home.  We have laundry days.  We have overdue library books.  We have times where we get on each other's nerves, and the kids are making us crazy.  It seems as though there is never enough time to balance work, home and private time.  And seriously, why the hell is there always so many freakin' dirty dishes to do?  But we also have endless laughs, deep conversations about life and profound thoughts.  We have all of us crammed around a table playing cards with music blasting.  Sometimes we have bills to pay and things are tight.  Other times we have to save for truck repairs or new dental work.  That is what a family is.  It's covering each other's deficits.  It's still a little girl getting tucked in each night, only by two dads.  Sometimes its Christmas dinner with the entire family and the kid's mother.  Other times its making parenting decisions via text or messenger.  The bottom line is, the day to day business of being a family is still the same.  The love is still the same.  Having a place to belong no matter what is still the same.  And as far as how my kids understand family, well we could all learn a thing or five from them.  They understand family as a very different experience for everyone.  They understand that although it may be a little different than other families, in many ways it is still the same.  They totally understand that sometimes families have a mom and dad, or two moms, or two dads.  Sometimes there are divorces and marriages that grow and change our family, but its still the same, and they are just brought into the fold.  Sometimes, just sometimes, the struggles, hurts and life changes that had brought us all into this blended family are a very necessary thing in our journey.  Most importantly, they know that a family includes those in your life who aren't related.
    
    I'll close with this.  (I know, I know, land the plane already!)  When I think of the time in my life when I am old, and the kids all come home for family celebrations with their own families, the constant players will be the same.  I always see myself with Mark and the kids.  That's the constant.  Wherever we are, that's home.  The most exciting part is yet to come.  As people get married, or bring someone new to the family, and the cycle of life passes with each death and birth, our family will grow.  And change.  And look so different than how it started.
    
     Family always changes, but there is something about it that always stays the same.  This is the common bond.  It doesn't matter how your family came to be, or what it looks like now.  What matters is the love, support, and belonging that comes with being a family.