Strong wind, gusty wind won't you blow my cares away?
Just for a little peace, even if just one day.
My heart is hurting and heavy. Blow that away too.
Take everything with you, make it all like new.
My soul is a heap of ash, let it fly on your tails.
Scattering about, above the hills and over the trails.
My thoughts are like leaves, covering the ground in the fall.
Gusty wind, come through and clear them all.
My tears I shed roll down my face.
Dry them up, or blow them away; away to another place.
My dreams are dark and lonely, my sleep long and cold.
Bring warmth on your breeze, like sunshine that's gold.
Strong wind, gusty wind, you we cannot see.
Bring me back to myself, so that I can just be me.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Stopped at an Intersection
"One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go." -Sheila Murray Bethel
I truly am at a crossroads in my life. I have been disabled for a few years now. I have one failed marriage under my belt, and another one heading that way. Money is always tight, and have no plan for retirement and financial security. Just like the intersection above, I am at a point now where I have to choose which way to go. And I am stopped at the stop sign so to speak. What I do know is who I am, and where I want to go. My beliefs are ever-changing, as I am working hard at breaking limiting beliefs, and replacing them with empowering beliefs.
I am a passionate person. I love hard and fight harder. I am a warrior. Fighting through this mental illness has proven that. I am a creative person. I am a resourceful person. I am a person that loves to write and produce things, whether it be writing or in the shop. I am also a very uncertain person. Uncertain of the road ahead, uncertain of the steps to take. And this is the intersection I am stopped at. The road that lead me to this point, and continuing on the same comfortable path, hoping something will change, or taking a new road. Sure, its scary. Sure, it will require a lot of determination and hard work. But this just may be the clarity and direction I need.
Where I want to go is simple to identify really. I want to get to a place where doing what I love, what I am passionate about, provides financial security. I want to be able to not have the stress and angst that comes with limited finances. I am not looking for wealth, although I certainly would't turn it down. I just want to know my bills are paid, and we aren't struggling financially.
I want to be at a place where the person I am building a life with needs and respects me, the vows that were made are honored, and we are working towards a life we don't need a vacation from.
I want to be at a place where I can say "these were my dreams, and I accomplished them."
I stepped out this week, in the midst of total uncertainty and a crumbling life, and submitted three pieces of my writing for publication. I will know the results in about a month. I have submitted pieces before, but the paid submission wasn't accepted, and the other pieces were unpaid. I signed up and have begun a course on affiliate marketing on the internet. I have started the third course in my herbalism certification, and I have orders waiting for me in the shop. and due to the current situation, I have had to come up with a plan forward in case my life as I know it changes drastically, which is a real possibility.
I am scared. I am hurting. Everything that I thought was a certainty no longer is. So while being at the intersection of my past and my future is scary and uncertain, there is a certain amount of liberation knowing things can't get much worse, and a total direction change is needed.
So which direction do I head? Whatever direction will take me to that place. And in this intersection of my life, I have the right of way.
And I am going.
Saturday, January 4, 2020
A Snapshot of Living with Bipolar Disorder
Disclaimer: This blog post in no way should be taken as medical advice. This is just my experience with bipolar disorder. It is imperative that persons with this diagnosis remain in treatment, and remain on the medication regiment that their doctors prescribe.
Ever wonder exactly what bipolar disorder is? What it feels like? What does it effect? Before we get into the personal side of bipolar disorder, here are some eye-opening statistics.
According to Healthresearchfunding.org:
Ever wonder exactly what bipolar disorder is? What it feels like? What does it effect? Before we get into the personal side of bipolar disorder, here are some eye-opening statistics.
According to Healthresearchfunding.org:
- 5.7 million adult Americans, roughly 2.6 percent of the population, are effected by bipolar disorder.
- The average age when bipolar begins is 25, though it can develop at any age.
- 67 percent of people with a bipolar diagnosis have a close family member with a bipolar or other depressive disorder diagnosis.
- Bipolar is the 6th leading cause of disability worldwide.
- On average, 80 percent of people diagnosed with bipolar will have contemplated or attempted suicide in their life time.
- Up to 17 percent of people with bipolar will commit suicide.
- The diagnosis of bipolar disorder will result in a 9.2 year decrease in that person's expected lifespan.
For a list of 40 profound statistics on bipolar disorder, click here: https://healthresearchfunding.org/40-profound-bipolar-disorder-suicide-statistics/
There are four different types of Bipolar disorder, each with different presentations and symptoms, but in this post I am going to focus on my diagnosis. I was diagnosed with bipolar type II initially, but that has since been changed to bipolar type I rapid cycle, with generalized anxiety disorder and suicidal ideations. What does all that mean?
Webmd defines and describes bipolar type 1 as this. "A person affected by bipolar I disorder has had at least one manic episode in his or her life. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood and high energy, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression."
In simple, personal terms, I have really high highs, and then some lows. More specifically for me, instead of having episodes that last for weeks, I can have an episode over and into the next phase in less than a week. My manic phases come on quick, and I don't really have depressive phases, I have what I call the crash. I can tell when the mania is winding down because I get very tired, very fast. I usually sleep on and off for a day and a half, and it takes me a couple days to get to my baseline. During this time I am super emotional, and pretty subdued. I wouldn't call is a depression though. Usually I have about a week of normal before the mania starts again. For me, even my facebook wall over the course of a week reflects the cycles I have gone through.
People with bipolar feel either euphoria or irritability during their manic phase.
My manic phase is irritability. Extreme irritability.
People with bipolar type 1 can experience abnormal behavior during manic episodes, such as racing thoughts or ideas, jumping from one thought or action to the next, fast and intense un-interruptable speech, lack of a need for sleep, increase in energy leading to hyperactivity, overspending, increased sex drive leading to hypersexuality, an inflated ego or self image, and increased drinking or increased recreational drug use. These are not the same for everyone, and they differ from person to person. There is no one size fits all.
Some of these behaviors are are relatively benign, such as the hyperactivity, fast speech, and inflated self image. For some, other behaviors are dangerous and harmful. Overspending takes away from the household budget and leads to overdue bills and overdraft bank accounts. Lack of sleep can lead to health problems. Racing thoughts can lead to anxiety and in some cases, paranoia. Hypersexuallity can lead to adultery, risky sexual behaviors, and relationship issues. Increased or new drug use and increased alcohol use have damaging effects on every part of your life.
These cycles and behaviors are out of the control of a person with bipolar disorder. For me, when I am in a manic cycle, I am aware that I am acting, or saying things, or behaving in a way that is not normal for me. When I am irritable and being harsh with people, I hear myself and in my head I am aware that it is wrong, but I can't stop it. It feels like I have no control over it.
To illustrate how this plays out, I am going to give a snapshot of what a typical cycle looks like for me, in chronological order.
The first sign I am heading to a manic phase is usually my need for to do lists. It sounds amusing. Looking at the to do lists I make, it is literally full of random items, basic items such as calls I have to make or bills I have to pay. This coincides with severe racing thoughts. This will go on for about 2 days, until the racing thoughts get unmanageable. This leads to anxiety. Anxiety about a landslide that happened a couple miles away from my house, 25 years ago. Nuclear holocaust. Did I shut the heaters off? Wait, did I pay the national grid bill? Oh my God, Yellowstone is going to erupt and kill us all. We can't take the highway because we will die in a fiery wreck. What if we hit a deer on the way to the store and roll down the side of the hill? I hope the kids are ok. I haven't heard form them today. And so on and so on. Before I know it, it is 4 am, I am wide awake, and there is no chance for sleep. This is the onset of insomnia, which usually lasts the duration of my manic phase. Somewhere during this time, hyperactivity sets in. I am super productive during this time. House is spotless, dinner is awesome. I am more productive in the shop.
You would think I would be happy during this time. Although the anxiety has subsided, I am impossibly irritable. By this point, I am usually fighting with my husband, non stop, over ridiculous things. I am impossible to deal with, and literally everything sets me off. The racing thoughts and paranoia have considerably increased during this time, and the thoughts are completely irrational. Is the house gonna catch on fire? I just know my husband is plotting my death. We are all gonna die because an asteroid is going to smash into the earth. My heart is exploding. I am gonna have a massive heart attack and die. This phase usually lasts for a couple days as well.
Then comes what I call the crash. It starts with finally sleeping, just from pure exhaustion. Usually I will sleep for ten to twelve hours. When I wake up, I am super emotional. I usually cry for about a day. Not out of depression, but more out of hopelessness. Embarassment for the way I behaved and exhausted from the battle. I spend so much time and energy during this phase apologizing. I need constant reassurance that I am not going to be left. I need love and affection. This crash can last for a few days, but usually he need for reassurance and affection lasts for weeks, or until the next manic phase.
My manic phases are destructive. They are hurtful to others, exhausting for me, and have led to hospitalizations. They are isolating, and effect relationships with family and friends. It isn't hopeless though. It took many months, if not years, to dial in on medications and therapy that works. I am now on a medication to take when I am manic, that will help the manic phase subside. It is a mild sedative. This is effective for me, but may not work for others. It is important to remain in therapy, and work with your mental health practitioners to find what works for you.
With proper medication, psychiatric care, and support, those with bipolar disorder can live a normal, productive life in between cycles. The goal of treatment is to decrease the cycles, and/or help lessen the severity of these cycles.
It is my sincere hope that this post helps bring awareness to mental health, specifically bipolar disorder. I hope it helps people who aren't effected by bipolar disorder understand the struggles and the battles that it creates for those diagnosed. Mostly, I hope that if you are reading this and have bipolar, or any mental health disorder, that you know you are not alone. It is time to end the stigma of mental health disorders.
Some of these behaviors are are relatively benign, such as the hyperactivity, fast speech, and inflated self image. For some, other behaviors are dangerous and harmful. Overspending takes away from the household budget and leads to overdue bills and overdraft bank accounts. Lack of sleep can lead to health problems. Racing thoughts can lead to anxiety and in some cases, paranoia. Hypersexuallity can lead to adultery, risky sexual behaviors, and relationship issues. Increased or new drug use and increased alcohol use have damaging effects on every part of your life.
These cycles and behaviors are out of the control of a person with bipolar disorder. For me, when I am in a manic cycle, I am aware that I am acting, or saying things, or behaving in a way that is not normal for me. When I am irritable and being harsh with people, I hear myself and in my head I am aware that it is wrong, but I can't stop it. It feels like I have no control over it.
To illustrate how this plays out, I am going to give a snapshot of what a typical cycle looks like for me, in chronological order.
The first sign I am heading to a manic phase is usually my need for to do lists. It sounds amusing. Looking at the to do lists I make, it is literally full of random items, basic items such as calls I have to make or bills I have to pay. This coincides with severe racing thoughts. This will go on for about 2 days, until the racing thoughts get unmanageable. This leads to anxiety. Anxiety about a landslide that happened a couple miles away from my house, 25 years ago. Nuclear holocaust. Did I shut the heaters off? Wait, did I pay the national grid bill? Oh my God, Yellowstone is going to erupt and kill us all. We can't take the highway because we will die in a fiery wreck. What if we hit a deer on the way to the store and roll down the side of the hill? I hope the kids are ok. I haven't heard form them today. And so on and so on. Before I know it, it is 4 am, I am wide awake, and there is no chance for sleep. This is the onset of insomnia, which usually lasts the duration of my manic phase. Somewhere during this time, hyperactivity sets in. I am super productive during this time. House is spotless, dinner is awesome. I am more productive in the shop.
You would think I would be happy during this time. Although the anxiety has subsided, I am impossibly irritable. By this point, I am usually fighting with my husband, non stop, over ridiculous things. I am impossible to deal with, and literally everything sets me off. The racing thoughts and paranoia have considerably increased during this time, and the thoughts are completely irrational. Is the house gonna catch on fire? I just know my husband is plotting my death. We are all gonna die because an asteroid is going to smash into the earth. My heart is exploding. I am gonna have a massive heart attack and die. This phase usually lasts for a couple days as well.
Then comes what I call the crash. It starts with finally sleeping, just from pure exhaustion. Usually I will sleep for ten to twelve hours. When I wake up, I am super emotional. I usually cry for about a day. Not out of depression, but more out of hopelessness. Embarassment for the way I behaved and exhausted from the battle. I spend so much time and energy during this phase apologizing. I need constant reassurance that I am not going to be left. I need love and affection. This crash can last for a few days, but usually he need for reassurance and affection lasts for weeks, or until the next manic phase.
My manic phases are destructive. They are hurtful to others, exhausting for me, and have led to hospitalizations. They are isolating, and effect relationships with family and friends. It isn't hopeless though. It took many months, if not years, to dial in on medications and therapy that works. I am now on a medication to take when I am manic, that will help the manic phase subside. It is a mild sedative. This is effective for me, but may not work for others. It is important to remain in therapy, and work with your mental health practitioners to find what works for you.
With proper medication, psychiatric care, and support, those with bipolar disorder can live a normal, productive life in between cycles. The goal of treatment is to decrease the cycles, and/or help lessen the severity of these cycles.
It is my sincere hope that this post helps bring awareness to mental health, specifically bipolar disorder. I hope it helps people who aren't effected by bipolar disorder understand the struggles and the battles that it creates for those diagnosed. Mostly, I hope that if you are reading this and have bipolar, or any mental health disorder, that you know you are not alone. It is time to end the stigma of mental health disorders.
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