On the Banks of Grimes Creek

(For Mark)

The sun was bright on that hot day in late August. The cicadas were buzzing loudly as the crickets chirped in chorus. It was uncomfortably warm without a cloud in the sky. The worries and cares of the life waiting for us back home started to melt away in the heat.

The long path to the creek lay before us, carved out of the tall grass and bush at the edge of the woods. We walked in silence down the path, still struggling to reconnect away from the chaos of life. As the path narrowed and widened, then narrowed and widened again, we took turns taking the lead. That is how it is in our relationship too-one of us leading when the other can't, until situations reverse the roles.

Ahead of us there is a break in the brush, and beyond that, forest. As we came closer to the break, a foot bridge came into view. Its weathered and sun bleached wood seemed to shine like metal in the overbearing sunlight. We reached the edge of the woods and it seemed like a doorway to a secret place. We stood on the bridge crossing Grimes Creek and watched the water slowly meander under us. When we crossed to the other side, the path opened up into a large clearing, gently sloped towards the rocky creek bottom. The tall grass and brush we just walked a path through hid the creek from view until you crossed the bridge to the other side.

The shade of the mighty pines kept the area cool, and it was a relief to be protected from the sun beating down. There was a carpet of green, soft and lush, under our feet. The creek was bubbling and trickling through through the rocky creek bed. The sun and the heat over the passed few days had dropped the water level. Wildflowers grew along the tree line, and butterflies fluttered about. The cares, stress, and business of life faded away. Words broke the silence as we talked about little things, like how low the creek was, and if it harbored any fish. We played in the creek bed, flipping rocks to fins crayfish and salamanders. We splashed each other in the cold water. We played like the boys we were in our childhood. We laughed at each other and how silly it was. We rested in the grass under the pine trees, laying next to each other to catch our breath. We were happy, our souls at peace, if even just for a moment. We were in love.

It was as if nature reflected that very love, or at least it seemed to. Rocks that were shaped like hearts seemed to stand out among the rest. I noticed the leaves on one bush looked like it was covered in green hearts. It was magical. I was happy. This moment needed to be remembered. I wanted to leave our mark on this place. I wanted to build an alter to celebrate every part of our love. So I began looking for rocks to build my small monument.

I found the perfect rock to use as my base. It was flat, heavy, and the perfect foundation. Steady and solid. I stacked another rock, and then another, all flat and decreasing in size. I gave them all a meaning. Something each rock symbolized. I stacked a rock for the love we have for each other. I stacked a rock for the way we stick together and have each other when the world gets cold and daunting, I stacked a rock for the physical love we shared, like when you kiss my forehead, or when I nuzzle my face in the crook of your neck. I stacked a rock for the love we made, the kisses that take my breath away, and the way we hold each other. I stacked rocks for the laughs and the joy in our lives. For the family we have built. I stacked rocks for the bad times too. For the times we didn't think we would make it through, and the times we thought we wouldn't stay together. For the lies, the betrayal, the hurt and the anger. Then I stacked a rock for forgiveness and new beginnings. I continued stacking rocks for dreams realized and dreams unfulfilled. For the journey we have made, and the road that still lies ahead. I stacked rocks until my alter reflected every part of our love. As I put the last rock on, I smiled and gave thanks for the love that filled my life, and for the man that the creator saw fit to bring into my life. As I climbed out of the creek bed, I took one last look at the monument I made.

As we left the creek and crossed the bridge to the other side, the sun was starting to play hide and seek behind the clouds rolling in. I looked toward the creek one last time, and wondered how long our monument, my alter, would stand, already longing to go back to that place. We made our way back up the path, holding hands when side by side, and taking turns leading like we always had.

That night storms moved in. Rolling thunder echoed through the mountains surrounding us. Heavy rain created a steady beat on the tin roof. My thoughts were drawn to the creek bed and my monument as I drifted off to sleep. The following morning, we made the same journey, down the path to the creek. As we crossed the bridge, we saw the creek had swelled from all the rain running down the mountain. The turbulent water rushed fast under the bridge. I was pretty certain that given the amount the creek rose, my monument was washed away. We arrived at the spot where I built my alter. Standing firm, still reaching for the sky, my monument stood, water twirling and swirling around the base.

On the banks of Grimes Creek, just past the bridge to a secret place, there is a stack of rocks. A stack of rocks dedicated to a moment in time, when two men found each other again in the quiet of the creek.

Stop, Breathe, and Reset

I am sure everyone is scared right now. And that is okay. I know I am. For the last couple days I have been glued to the television. We are on lock down in our state, no going out unless it is essential, and only essential businesses are open. No bars, no restaurants, they even closed hair and nail salons and barber shops. It has taken me a couple days to process all this. 24/7 news coverage. Worried about my children who are not with me. Needless to say, a total lack of motivation set in. What's the point? Quarantined for the near future, the nation is basically on lock down, and life will be very different for the foreseeable future. It all came to a head this morning as I prepared to go to the grocery store for this week's groceries. I grabbed my reusable bags, and got ready to go. Then the panic set it. What if someone coughs on me? What if I pick up the virus from a package someone contaminated? What if because of past medical issues, I am one of the ones who will get seriously ill from this? What if I die? Before I could even change my thinking, panic had set in. I packed sanitizing wipes, disinfecting spray, and hand sanitizer. I even packed a bandanna that I was going to wear as a mask. So I tried what I usually try when I am overwhelmed by anxiety and panic. I set everything down, and took a deep breath. I said out loud "You are panicking." Then I took another breath. I stopped to breathe. After focusing on my breathing for a moment, I started replaying the facts I know in my head. Keeping my distance from people. Washing my hands when I get back. Using sanitized wipes on the carts, handles, and my hands. Common sense precautions that are very effective. After I had this conversation in my head, the panic subsided. But it got me thinking. How can I change my thinking during this time so I am not living in a state of fear? How can I keep myself motivated to still produce during this time? How can I not let fear and panic take over?

The first thing I did was revisited my goals. Not just my goals for Wealthy Affiliate, but my goals for the next few months. I made a list of the things I have been wanting to do for a while, but haven't had the time. Building a couple pieces of furniture for the house. Starting my seeds indoors for the garden this year. I have been wanting to focus a bit more on painting and creative writing. I now have the perfect opportunity to do these things. A forced shut down helps us prioritize and gain some perspective on what things we fill our time with, and their importance.

The second thing I did was to make a daily plan to get back on track with my training and writing for Wealthy Affiliate. I have content to write and a second website to launch. Everything is in chaos right now, and the business world has been rocked by this. But it won't be permanent. We will make it through this. And when we are on the other side, I will have content to hit the ground running. No step forward is a wasted step!

Then I thought about what I needed to do to change my thinking. I have a very strong sense of spirituality, so I drew from that to start. I got off track with mediation and centering myself. It is really easy for me to lose focus if I am not focused on the here and now. I grabbed a few of my favorite quotes, wrote them down, and posted them on my fridge and around my work area. Here are some of them.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

"Unexpected situations are often matched by unexpected virtues, are they not? -Timberlake Wertenbaker

"It is how we embrace the uncertainty in our lives that leads to the great transformations of our souls." - Brandon Trean

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

These are just a few that I will be holding on to. I have a lot of love in my life. I have seen unexpected acts of kindness during this crisis. I am learning to live in the uncertainty, and cherish every small moment. And I am learning to press on.

Incidentally, I did make it to the grocery store. People were courteous. Calm. Careful to keep distances. It was not the craziness I expected.

We don't know what the future holds. We are in very uncertain times. But the best way to get through it, is to keep living. Stay in the moment. Enjoy the time on your hands and use it wisely. We don't get many breaks from the hustle and bustle of the world. I believe we will get through this. I believe we will have learned some valuable lessons that will hopefully change our lives for the better, and transform our souls. So we press on towards that end.

Be safe. Spread love. And carry on.

Humanity and Reason

"Our humanity rests upon a series of learned behaviors, woven together into patterns that are infinitely fragile and never directly inherited."  Margaret Mead

It is here now, and that is confirmed, but it has probably been here a while.  It is in our county, in our cities, in our neighborhoods.  This is not just some far off crisis now.  This is our crisis.

When we face challenges as a society, as diverse as we are, it is a common goal or a common thread unites us, and holds us together.  In the most severe circumstances, humanity is the only common thread we have with each other.  

As a society, we are facing what seems to be a really big challenge.  And it will seem as though it will challenge the very freedoms we take for granted everyday.  

I am a father of 4.  I have nieces and a nephew.  I have family members that are in the risk catagory.  I get the desire in us to protect self and children.  I know how it feels to have that threatened by this situation.  While protection and provisions for our family reach back to a more primal sense of survival, it is the ability to reason that needs to prevail.  

So the requests by the government are reasonable.  Yes, it may seem like our freedom to protect and provide for is being threatened, and that scares us.  Yes, it means a different way of life for the near future.  It means times may get scarier.  Cases will rise, people will get sick, and there may be more deaths.  But we have a chance to really slow this virus down so it stays manageable.  I for one hope that all these precautions we are taking are for nothing.  But as long as there is a chance it isn't, we have to be ready.  Be prepared.  Know what to expect.

I know the sense of self preservation kicks in.  It is in our DNA.  I know there is a feeling of panic when we see empty store shelves.  This is where the ability to reason comes into play.  It looks like a shortage because it all came at once.  It looks like a shortage because many people are hoard shopping.  This rush will die down for a couple weeks because everyone is stocked up.  The stores will restock at that time.

While we are facing businesses closing, curfews, and basically a national lock down for the foreseeable future, reason has to be front and center.  This is for the good of the nation.  To protect those most vulnerable.  To stop our hospitals from becoming paralyzed.  If the hospital system crashes, it isn't just Coronavirus cases that will not get treated.  It will be heart attacks, strokes, broken legs, and other traumas as well.  This is not a removal of our freedoms.  This is to preserve the freedoms we have all taken for granted, in the long term.

Kids are home and safe.  Use this time to bond.  To learn how to function as a family again.  To talk.  To take time to just be a family.  Grocery stores will remain open, and while we won't be able to buy the mass quantities we want, we will be able to buy what we need.  Gas stations will still be open.  Banks will still be open.  You will have access to your money.

This will be a rough time for each of us.  This will be a rough time for our country.  Many parts of our culture and of our society may change.  But the steps being taken now are necessary to preserve our way of life for the long term.  Reason must prevail, even if it feels contrary to self preservation.  The sun will still shine.  Life will still go on.  And I for one am going to believe in humanity.  I am going to believe in the good that we have as a society.  I am going to believe that we as a nation will come out the other side of this, stronger and with a better understanding of our freedoms and our way of life, and just how fragile it is.

Be informed.  Be kind.  Listen to the experts.  Keep fear in check, and fight the urge to panic.  Love one another.  Listen to the voices of reason.  Remember your humanity.  Your stockpile of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and food you would never go through in a month will not save you from the effects of this, or from the virus itself.

Strong Wind, Gusty Wind

Strong wind, gusty wind won't you blow my cares away?
Just for a little peace, even if just one day.

My heart is hurting and heavy.  Blow that away too.
Take everything with you, make it all like new.

My soul is a heap of ash, let it fly on your tails.
Scattering about, above the hills and over the trails.

My thoughts are like leaves, covering the ground in the fall.
Gusty wind, come through and clear them all.

My tears I shed roll down my face.
Dry them up, or blow them away; away to another place.

My dreams are dark and lonely, my sleep long and cold.
Bring warmth on your breeze, like sunshine that's gold.

Strong wind, gusty wind, you we cannot see.
Bring me back to myself, so that I can just be me.

Stopped at an Intersection

"One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go." -Sheila Murray Bethel

I truly am at a crossroads in my life. I have been disabled for a few years now.  I have one failed marriage under my belt, and another one heading that way. Money is always tight, and have no plan for retirement and financial security. Just like the intersection above, I am at a point now where I have to choose which way to go. And I am stopped at the stop sign so to speak. What I do know is who I am, and where I want to go. My beliefs are ever-changing, as I am working hard at breaking limiting beliefs, and replacing them with empowering beliefs.

I am a passionate person.  I love hard and fight harder.  I am a warrior.  Fighting through this mental illness has proven that.  I am a creative person. I am a resourceful person. I am a person that loves to write and produce things, whether it be writing or in the shop. I am also a very uncertain person. Uncertain of the road ahead, uncertain of the steps to take. And this is the intersection I am stopped at. The road that lead me to this point, and continuing on the same comfortable path, hoping something will change, or taking a new road. Sure, its scary. Sure, it will require a lot of determination and hard work. But this just may be the clarity and direction I need.

Where I want to go is simple to identify really. I want to get to a place where doing what I love, what I am passionate about, provides financial security. I want to be able to not have the stress and angst that comes with limited finances. I am not looking for wealth, although I certainly would't turn it down. I just want to know my bills are paid, and we aren't struggling financially.

I want to be at a place where the person I am building a life with needs and respects me, the vows that were made are honored, and we are working towards a life we don't need a vacation from.

I want to be at a place where I can say "these were my dreams, and I accomplished them."

I stepped out this week, in the midst of total uncertainty and a crumbling life, and submitted three pieces of my writing for publication.  I will know the results in about a month.  I have submitted pieces before, but the paid submission wasn't accepted, and the other pieces were unpaid. I signed up and have begun a course on affiliate marketing on the internet.  I have started the third course in my herbalism certification, and I have orders waiting for me in the shop.  and due to the current situation, I have had to come up with a plan forward in case my life as I know it changes drastically, which is a real possibility.  

I am scared.  I am hurting.  Everything that I thought was a certainty no longer is.  So while being at the intersection of my past and my future is scary and uncertain, there is a certain amount of liberation knowing things can't get much worse, and a total direction change is needed.  

So which direction do I head? Whatever direction will take me to that place. And in this intersection of my life, I have the right of way.

And I am going. 

A Snapshot of Living with Bipolar Disorder

Disclaimer:  This blog post in no way should be taken as medical advice.  This is just my experience with bipolar disorder.  It is imperative that persons with this diagnosis remain in treatment, and remain on the medication regiment that their doctors prescribe.

Ever wonder exactly what bipolar disorder is?  What it feels like?  What does it effect?  Before we get into the personal side of bipolar disorder, here are some eye-opening statistics.

According to Healthresearchfunding.org:

• 5.7 million adult Americans, roughly 2.6 percent of the population, are effected by bipolar disorder.
• The average age when bipolar begins is 25, though it can develop at any age.
• 67 percent of people with a bipolar diagnosis have a close family member with a bipolar or other depressive disorder diagnosis.
• Bipolar is the 6th leading cause of disability worldwide.
• On average, 80 percent of people diagnosed with bipolar will have contemplated or attempted suicide in their life time.  
• Up to 17 percent of people with bipolar will commit suicide.
• The diagnosis of bipolar disorder will result in a 9.2 year decrease in that person's expected lifespan.

For a list of 40 profound statistics on bipolar disorder, click here: https://healthresearchfunding.org/40-profound-bipolar-disorder-suicide-statistics/

There are four different types of Bipolar disorder, each with different presentations and symptoms, but in this post I am going to focus on my diagnosis.  I was diagnosed with bipolar type II initially, but that has since been changed to bipolar type I rapid cycle, with generalized anxiety disorder and suicidal ideations.  What does all that mean?  

Webmd defines and describes bipolar type 1 as this.  "A person affected by bipolar I disorder has had at least one manic episode in his or her life. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood and high energy, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life.  Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression.  Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression."

In simple, personal terms, I have really high highs, and then some lows.  More specifically for me, instead of having episodes that last for weeks, I can have an episode over and into the next phase in less than a week.  My manic phases come on quick, and I don't really have depressive phases, I have what I call the crash.  I can tell when the mania is winding down because I get very tired, very fast.  I usually sleep on and off for a day and a half, and it takes me a couple days to get to my baseline.  During this time I am super emotional, and pretty subdued.  I wouldn't call is a depression though.  Usually I have about a week of normal before the mania starts again.  For me, even my facebook wall over the course of a week reflects the cycles I have gone through.

People with bipolar feel either euphoria or irritability during their manic phase.  

My manic phase is irritability.  Extreme irritability.  

People with bipolar type 1 can experience abnormal behavior during manic episodes, such as racing thoughts or ideas, jumping from one thought or action to the next, fast and intense un-interruptable speech, lack of a need for sleep, increase in energy leading to hyperactivity, overspending, increased sex drive leading to hypersexuality, an inflated ego or self image, and increased drinking or increased recreational drug use.  These are not the same for everyone, and they differ from person to person. There is no one size fits all.  

Some of these behaviors are are relatively benign, such as the hyperactivity, fast speech, and inflated self image.  For some, other behaviors are dangerous and harmful.  Overspending takes away from the household budget and leads to overdue bills and overdraft bank accounts.  Lack of sleep can lead to health problems.  Racing thoughts can lead to anxiety and in some cases, paranoia.  Hypersexuallity can lead to adultery, risky sexual behaviors, and relationship issues.  Increased or new drug use and increased alcohol use have damaging effects on every part of your life.  

These cycles and behaviors are out of the control of a person with bipolar disorder.  For me, when I am in a manic cycle, I am aware that I am acting, or saying things, or behaving in a way that is not normal for me.  When I am irritable and being harsh with people, I hear myself and in my head I am aware that it is wrong, but I can't stop it.  It feels like I have no control over it.  

To illustrate how this plays out, I am going to give a snapshot of what a typical cycle looks like for me, in chronological order.

The first sign I am heading to a manic phase is usually my need for to do lists.  It sounds amusing.  Looking at the to do lists I make, it is literally full of random items, basic items such as calls I have to make or bills I have to pay.  This coincides with severe racing thoughts.  This will go on for about 2 days, until the racing thoughts get unmanageable.  This leads to anxiety.  Anxiety about a landslide that happened a couple miles away from my house, 25 years ago.  Nuclear holocaust.  Did I shut the heaters off?  Wait, did I pay the national grid bill?  Oh my God, Yellowstone is going to erupt and kill us all.  We can't take the highway because we will die in a fiery wreck.  What if we hit a deer on the way to the store and roll down the side of the hill?  I hope the kids are ok.  I haven't heard form them today.  And so on and so on.  Before I know it, it is 4 am, I am wide awake, and there is no chance for sleep.  This is the onset of insomnia, which usually lasts the duration of my manic phase.  Somewhere during this time, hyperactivity sets in.  I am super productive during this time.  House is spotless, dinner is awesome.  I am more productive in the shop.  

You would think I would be happy during this time.  Although the anxiety has subsided, I am impossibly irritable.  By this point, I am usually fighting with my husband, non stop, over ridiculous things.  I am impossible to deal with, and literally everything sets me off. The racing thoughts and paranoia have considerably increased during this time, and the thoughts are completely irrational.  Is the house gonna catch on fire?  I just know my husband is plotting my death.  We are all gonna die because an asteroid is going to smash into the earth.  My heart is exploding.  I am gonna have a massive heart attack and die.  This phase usually lasts for a couple days as well.

Then comes what I call the crash.  It starts with finally sleeping, just from pure exhaustion.  Usually I will sleep for ten to twelve hours.  When I wake up, I am super emotional.  I usually cry for about a day.  Not out of depression, but more out of hopelessness.  Embarassment for the way I behaved and exhausted from the battle.  I spend so much time and energy during this phase apologizing.  I need constant reassurance that I am not going to be left.  I need love and affection.  This crash can last for a few days, but usually he need for reassurance and affection lasts for weeks, or until the next manic phase.  

My manic phases are destructive.  They are hurtful to others, exhausting for me, and have led to hospitalizations.  They are isolating, and effect relationships with family and friends.  It isn't hopeless though.  It took many months, if not years, to dial in on medications and therapy that works.  I am now on a medication to take when I am manic, that will help the manic phase subside.  It is a mild sedative.  This is effective for me, but may not work for others.  It is important to remain in therapy, and work with your mental health practitioners to find what works for you.

With proper medication, psychiatric care, and support, those with bipolar disorder can live a normal, productive life in between cycles.  The goal of treatment is to decrease the cycles, and/or help lessen the severity of these cycles.


It is my sincere hope that this post helps bring awareness to mental health, specifically bipolar disorder.  I hope it helps people who aren't effected by bipolar disorder understand the struggles and the battles that it creates for those diagnosed.  Mostly, I hope that if you are reading this and have bipolar, or any mental health disorder, that you know you are not alone.  It is time to end the stigma of mental health disorders.