Yes, that is my truck. Yes, that is a correct fuel reading. And yes, this created a full meltdown for me. After running around all morning, covering most of Onondaga county, I stopped home to wash up and change for my doctor's appointment later that afternoon, and this is how I coasted into my driveway. No cash on me, a ton of running around left to do, and no money in my account to cover gas. The frustration level I felt at that moment was probably the most frustration I had ever felt. Seems like something that happens to everyone once or twice, no? In the grand scheme of things this was just a small bump in a day filled with bullshit and fuckery. The thing about that kind of frustration is, it makes me cry. There, I said it. Total frustration of that level, as well as extreme anger, make me cry. But so does any strong emotion. Not sure if it is a Bi-polar thing, but there it is. My frustration wasn't just because it seemed like a hopeless situation. My frustration stemmed from the fact that we have been working so hard lately. It has been a non stop grind for about a month now. 12 hour days for Mark, 12 hour shop days for me. There is always something to do. Always someone to help. And there really isn't an end in sight for the near future. A side trip to the hospital for a flare-up put us behind in everything. When we get behind in orders, it directly effects the money I can bring in. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of it. I was just particularly tired. I wasn't just running out of gas in my truck, I was empty across the board. With so much left to do and prepare for, I was panicking and totally overwhelmed. Not to mention we have been working so hard and it seems as though we are getting nowhere. Any of you ever felt that way? Any of you ever feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs to those in your life "I am exhausted! I am spent! I am (you fill in the blank), and it falls on deaf ears? I was ready and prepared to plan and stay at my own pitty-party. Then a total change of perspective happened. And here is what I learned.
1. Anything worth doing, anything worthy of time, attention, and sacrifice, anything that is good, is gonna be challenging. It is almost like the universe has to test what you are made of to see if you are worthy of what you are trying to attain. For us, it is working towards a better life, more suited for who we are and what our life goals are. We have a move to the country coming in 3 weeks, and a wedding in less than 3 months. So while it seems like we aren't making any progress, there are 2 goals we are working towards, and accomplishing. Sometimes you have to keep your eyes on the end result, the end goal. It is hard to do, but from that perspective, we are right on track. It is difficult, but it is so worth it for us, and these struggles are temporary. Anything worth doing is going to be work.
2. I learned my limits. I will keep my head down and power through just about anything. And I have. It isn't easy losing everything, coming out as gay, and managing a debilitating illness, all while trying to rebuild my life. But I did it. I am doing it. I just don't know when to power through and when to rest. I have gotten so caught up in what's next to do, what has to get done, and not wanting to let people down that I wasn't listening to my own body. My soul wasn't getting fed either, and instead of taking a small rest, I pushed through because that was what men do. Screw that shit. My body had other plans, and I was completely sidelined for a few days to recover from another flare up. Instead of addressing the way I was feeling empty and lost, I just ignored it. Instead of looking at why I am not feeling fulfilled, I pushed it aside. Until seeing I was 3 miles to empty. Until realizing I had hit my limit. Listen, I will gladly go through hell and back for me and mine. I will work to accomplish something until I physically can't. This week has taught me a little more about how a little self care and being vocal about my needs can spare a lot of frustration and conserve a lot of energy. Learning my limits will also help me with prioritizing and focus, accepting that some things are going to have to be put off so others get my full attention. The bottom line is if I don't stay motivated, if I don't pace myself and make sure I am ok, the business doesn't run. The move doesn't happen. A wedding doesn't get planned. Learning my limits and accepting them will help prevent that from happening.
3. This one is rough for me! lol. I learned that my priorities are not everyone else's. Gasp! Let that sink in. Actually let me say it again. My priorities are not everyone else's. Seriously though, how much frustration do we cause ourselves when we don't communicate? I think I have this assumption most times that everyone else sees things the way I do. Or at least they should. After all isn't my way the best? Aren't the things I deem important really important? (That was sarcasm). What I am saying is this. Communication is key to keeping the peace during stressful situations. It is the only way we can get through sticky situations and tough times as a team, or as a family. I learned this week that my priorities are just that-MY priorities. Other people have their own priorities. This isn't negative or selfish, but in order to be aware of what other people have going on and make them aware of what you have going on is to communicate.
4. I think the biggest thing I learned is this: tough times pass. Storms come and go. Things aren't gonna stay as bad as they seem. Look for the positives. Steal away those little moments where something made you laugh, or you felt loved, or something went right, or an anonymous donor dropped a few hundred in my lap. ( I am kidding. That didn't happen.) Cherish those. It is hard to see sometimes, but they are there in amongst the rubble you are trudging through. It's like that Rodney Atkins song " If you're going through hell, keep on moving". All we can do is literally all we can do.
So there it is. A perfect shitstorm of a day, and I survived and learned a few things. Here is how the rest of the story goes. I took some cans and bottles back, put gas in the truck and carried on with my day. I got some writing done like my therapist said, (that was my homework), and today, I took a breath and created something new. Actually created 3 things new. And listed them all. And sold them all. Things are starting to look up. We have some road to travel, but we are traveling it. And I am not driving around on empty anymore. I have 130 miles to go 'til empty. And about that left in my gas tank
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