Encounter

The bright morning sun lit up the new snow as if it was illuminated deep within each snowflake, all combining their light. The sky was clear, and brilliant in blue. The air stings my face, but at the same time fills my lungs with crisp, pure air, settling into the deepest part of my core. I look to the top of the hills on each side of me, feeling protected and safe within the valley's confines. The gleaming snow seems to light the woods that surround me from within. As I make my way up the snow covered path, the blue sky is broken above. The bare, dark tree limbs seem to come together against the topaz blue sky, and the stained glass cathedral before me opens up. The snow crunches underneath my feet as I walk deeper into the hidden inner sanctum that seems to call for me. The air still stings my face, but as I walk into a clearing, I pass through a warm, bright spot that makes me look up and acknowledge the sun, appreciating it for the warmth and light it brings.

A dark gash appears to cut through the white that surrounds me. As I hear the rushing water, I realize it's a stream cutting through the ancient hillside, exposing boulders from the beginning of time. Seems the forest was a busy place last night. The clean, smooth snow that was in front of me when I started my journey is now broken up with tracks in the snow, and stained with the colors of the mud underneath. Deer, raccoon, cayotes, and a scattering of little tracks all led to and from the stream.

As I continue walking along the stream, I can't help but notice all of the sounds I didn't hear before. Birds chirping, carrying a melody as old as creation. Squirrels through the new snow until they get to the layer of leaves covering the fallen acorns. The sound the tall pines make in the wind when their branches collide, like faint music from old worn out wooden wind chimes. The faint thuds of the pine cones falling and striking the ground seem to keep a beat, like drums in a distant parade, keeping pace as I walk along. The forest this day was alive with color and sound, and I had first row seats in the symphony of creation.

In a moment, the pace of my steps came to a halt as I saw movement and heard commotion up ahead. At a place where the sun broke through the trees and filled the stream bed and forest floor with light, there was a deer peeking at me through the trees. As I took two more hesitant steps, the hillside a head of me came alive with motion. The beast in front of me wasn't alone. Trailing behind the strong, majestic deer I had seen, were three more smaller deer. I stood and stared into the eyes of this animal, and it stared back. There was a recognition between us. An old relationship, as if we had met before. The ancient in me, recognized the ancient in her. We connected in the sense that we were both alive, created by the creator. I nodded my head, and as if she knew I wasn't there to harm or threaten them, she led her family across the stream, bounding with one leap from bank to bank, and the deer behind her did the same. It was most certainly a spiritual moment, not in the religious sense, but in the sense that we were both worshiping and communing with the creator.

As I make my way back down the path which led me to that encounter, I couldn't help but be slightly sullen, I knew that as I left the woods, I was leaving my sanctuary. A safe, sanctified place, where you can't help but encounter God. From the choir of nature, echoing the sounds of time, to the reverence that the stained glass windows of trees and sky demand, evidence of the creator abounds. Recognizing a timeless connection I have with all of the creator's creations filled me with a sense of longing to reconnect with that more. A walk in winter woods is all the church I need.

And So I Walk

Many of you that know me, know that I walk quite frequently.  Most of the time, anywhere I have to go is within walking distance to home, so it makes sense to walk as opposed to drive.  I don't really drive much anymore.  If it's a trip to the grocery store for dinner, or a craving for an iced coffee at Dunkin, I can handle that instead of waiting for Mark to get home.  Of course there is the fact that we are a one vehicle family.  But aside from those things, it has really become my main form of exercise, and it is working.  I am down thirty pounds since February.

There are times when I get stuck on a particular idea when I am writing, or when I am working in the shop.  Inevitably, I get so frustrated that I have to walk away for a bit.  Just to clear my head.  To get some air coursing through my lungs.  The walls in this place can sometimes feel like they close in on you, and that can stifle any creative thinking.  And so I walk.  It helps me refocus.

Weather doesn't really stop me from walking.  I have walked in the snow, in the rain, in the heat.  I actually do have to admit that when it is about as cold as the arctic during the winter, my walks are short and brisk.  The thing is, in each weather type, there is a benefit for a weary mind, or a tender heart.  I love the way the rain refreshes in the spring and summer, and the way it makes all of the colors in the fall pop.  When I am stuck in the silent spaces in my heart, the rain provides a very soothing, almost empathetic setting.  I love the way the sun energizes and inspires.  The peacefulness of the snow in the winter, especially at night, is simply magical.  These times, these moments have become so precious to me.  And so I walk.  It helps me appreciate and recognize the beauty of the climate we get to live in!

As much as I would like to deny it, sometimes I walk to avoid confrontation.  I have a huge heart, and I can be very in touch with my emotions.  I am very passionate at times, and sometimes it is misdirected.  I love hard.  And I can fight harder.  So before a situation gets out of control, and communication has turned into a battle cry, I need an escape.  An out.  And so I walk.  In the silence of my solitude, I try to sort out the voices and the crazy battle raging in my head.  Walking brings me clarity, and gives me a chance to stand down.

I walk through abandoned city blocks, and I wonder what used to be.  I see the houses that are falling apart in my neighborhood, and I can see young families just starting out in this city a hundred years ago.  I wonder if there were ever any block parties, and what trick or treating used to be like back in the good ole days.  I see the sprawl of a growing city, and the by-products of poverty and drugs.  I see the revitalized and renewed areas of this city, as well as the areas suffering the decay of the slow death of the inner city areas.  I see the same cracked out prostitute just about the same days and times every week.  I walk past the steady group of guys that pan handle and sling bootlegged DVDs.  When I walk the trails down at the inner harbor, I see the same guys, every time I am there, cruising the area looking for a quick hook-up.  The characters are always the same. I watch and I observe.  I notice small details, like the flowers that fight and struggle, reaching for the sky, in crack on the sidewalk, or in amongst the trash and debris of abandoned spaces.  I listen to the steady rhythm of the various construction equipment in use around the area.  I talk to the cashiers at the gas stations, and the young woman that always takes my order and makes my coffee at Dunkin Donuts.  wonder about the people I see and come in contact with throughout my walks.  I notice when someone new is hanging around, or when someone who is a regular isn't around.  Most often than not, these walks are what I turn to when the loneliness gets overwhelming, or the noise in my head gets too loud.  These people I see and pass and interact with have become players in my show.  I wonder about their pasts.  What drove this woman to use her body to pay for her addiction?  Why doesn't this able bodied guy always begging for money have a job?  Sometimes I make up their back stories.  Other times I say a little prayer for them.

Still there are other times when I really just want a Java Monster or a candy bar.  And so I walk.

Building a Family

family

noun  fam·i·ly  \ ˈfam-lē , ˈfa-mə- \

plural families

1a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children;also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family 

• a single-parent family

b : spouse and children 

• • • • 
        
    • I wanted to start out with the dictionary's definition of a family.  This portion is what applies to this post.  It is especially poignant to me because the very first sentence is how almost everyone understands a family.  The part that really speaks to me is that the definition doesn't just stop there.  It then goes on to state that a family is also defined as "any various units differing from but regarded as equal". 
     
    As Mark and I prepare for our upcoming wedding, we have been talking about the idea of what makes a family.  We have answered questions from family members on both sides about how we will "work" as a family.  We have even been asked to describe our day to day routine with the kids.  Mark has been asked many times if he is ready to take on the responsibility of a ready made family.  All these questions have done a couple things.  First, it kind of pisses me off.  Clearly, especially since we have been functioning as a family for a couple years now, we have both looked at that.  All of the challenges and issues that come with being a blended family have already been worked through and discussed.  The second thing these discussions and questions have done is made Mark and I reflect on these very challenges.  It has forced us to talk about our own families and upbringings.  About what we want to instill and model for the kids, especially in light of the relationship models they have had early on.  They have seen relationship dysfunction play out.  
    
    (For the record, I am not pissed about any of the questions and concerns raised to us anymore.)
    
    With all of the questions and uncertainties that we ourselves have worked through, and some remain, and with all of the questions and concerns others have raised, here are the things that are certain.
    
    We already are a family.  From the very first date Mark and I went on, he was accepting that he was dating a father, and with that came certain limitations.  He has embraced each one of the kids, and they have their own special connection.   From the instant we moved in together, in a very unspoken way, he has become my partner in all things family.  Including parenting.  He does seem like somewhat of a natural.  Although I am their father, most often I discuss parenting issues and decisions with him first.  He is just as much invested into the kids lives as I am, but his investment is by choice.  That is powerful.  On Christmas morning, I got the phone call every parent dreads.  JB, our oldest, had been in a car crash.  He was just as upset a twisted in knots as I was.  At first I thought he was being supportive and empathetic, but when he shed some tears over it, he explained that he was just as worried as I was.  He stayed strong all day.  He got the other kids ready for the day, while I went to the hospital with my son.  OUR son.  Although that will go down as one of my most emotional and terrifying Christmases, it was also the Christmas that I realized, maybe for the first time, that our relationship, our life together, is bigger than just us.  My brother and sister gained a brother.  My mother, another son.  And he fits.  His father is gaining another son.  A set of grandkids he didn't ever expect.  Even my ex-wife feels a sense of commonality with Mark, simply because of the kids.  We are all connected now, and it is all because of one date.
    
    Here is what else is certain.  Both Mark and I are committed to do whatever it takes to tackle and overcome any obstacle.  We already have.  We have supported each other through our own separate journeys of healing and restoration.  We have comforted each other through sadness and hurt.  We have celebrated each other's victories and successes, understanding fully that each individual step is also a step for US.
    
    So back to the definition of family.  Another part of the definition that I love is this:
    any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family 
    
    I know it's a novelty to some people, but we really do have a very average, even sometimes mundane household.  Seems pretty equivalent to a "normal" family to me!  We all work together to keep the house up when the kids are home.  We have laundry days.  We have overdue library books.  We have times where we get on each other's nerves, and the kids are making us crazy.  It seems as though there is never enough time to balance work, home and private time.  And seriously, why the hell is there always so many freakin' dirty dishes to do?  But we also have endless laughs, deep conversations about life and profound thoughts.  We have all of us crammed around a table playing cards with music blasting.  Sometimes we have bills to pay and things are tight.  Other times we have to save for truck repairs or new dental work.  That is what a family is.  It's covering each other's deficits.  It's still a little girl getting tucked in each night, only by two dads.  Sometimes its Christmas dinner with the entire family and the kid's mother.  Other times its making parenting decisions via text or messenger.  The bottom line is, the day to day business of being a family is still the same.  The love is still the same.  Having a place to belong no matter what is still the same.  And as far as how my kids understand family, well we could all learn a thing or five from them.  They understand family as a very different experience for everyone.  They understand that although it may be a little different than other families, in many ways it is still the same.  They totally understand that sometimes families have a mom and dad, or two moms, or two dads.  Sometimes there are divorces and marriages that grow and change our family, but its still the same, and they are just brought into the fold.  Sometimes, just sometimes, the struggles, hurts and life changes that had brought us all into this blended family are a very necessary thing in our journey.  Most importantly, they know that a family includes those in your life who aren't related.
    
    I'll close with this.  (I know, I know, land the plane already!)  When I think of the time in my life when I am old, and the kids all come home for family celebrations with their own families, the constant players will be the same.  I always see myself with Mark and the kids.  That's the constant.  Wherever we are, that's home.  The most exciting part is yet to come.  As people get married, or bring someone new to the family, and the cycle of life passes with each death and birth, our family will grow.  And change.  And look so different than how it started.
    
     Family always changes, but there is something about it that always stays the same.  This is the common bond.  It doesn't matter how your family came to be, or what it looks like now.  What matters is the love, support, and belonging that comes with being a family.