Did Your Brain Surgery Make You Gay? (And other fun questions I have been asked) Part 1

Yes, that is in fact a question someone asked me.  I laughed it off at first, you know, that nervous laugh you do in a really awkward situation.   But as I really thought about that question, I began to realize that whether I liked it or not, people were going to want to know what happened.  I would come to find out just how many people actually did want to know what happened.  Many people felt like they were entitled to know.  Many people actually demanded answers.  To a certain extent, there were some people who deserved to know.  Like my family.  Like my ex-wife.  Like my kids.  Other people who were friends wanted to understand, and wanted to make sure I was okay after a lengthy illness.  Oddly enough, when I "came out", the people who were closest to me, other than family, cut all contact with me.  There were a few of my Christian friends who stayed in contact with me, a few of whom I see regularly still.  My best friend was one of the ones who cut off contact with me.

Probably the first question was "Are You Sure?"  That's a fun one.  But it isn't quite yes or no.  There was one time when I was probably 9 or 10 years old, and a trip to the shoe store with my auntie was the first time I probably felt something different towards a man.  This was a classic shoe store, where an employee actually measured your feet for you to find out what size you were.  The employee that helped us was a young man, probably 18 or 20.  To this day, I remember what he looked like, the color shirt he had on, and his Italian horn necklace that hung off a thin gold chain.  At that age, I had no idea what the feeling I had was, but it was attraction.  Later on in high school I would come to realize that I was at a minimum, bisexual.  I had experiences with both sexes.  To make a long story short, could I still be in a relationship with a woman?  Probably.  But it would be difficult.  Being in love with a man, and building a life with a man, fits.  For the first time in my life, I am comfortable.  Nothing seems forced.  I don't feel like I am denying a part of me.  What I am sure of is that I am in love with a man who makes me a better me.  We fit.  it works.  It feels like home.

I think one of the questions that was most uncomfortable was from my brother.  He basically asked me if for all those years, I really believed that homosexuality was wrong and was really against gay marriage.  The fact of the matter is no.  I didn't and don't believe that homosexuality is wrong.  I wasn't and am not against gay marriage.  I can make no excuse for the kind of bigotry and intolerance I took part in.  There was a time that I hated myself for living a lie.  The church was a place for me to find acceptance.  I wanted the typical all American family.  I was successful in ministry.  I felt I had value in church, and I learned very early on exactly what the church feels about homosexuality.  An older man that was mentoring me in the first church I belonged to conveyed that message to me.  This was a man whom I trusted, who helped me get clean and sober.  In working through some issues, I confessed that I had homosexual attractions and thoughts.  He confessed that he did as well, but God had delivered him from that "sin".  And then proceeded to tell me that I am talented, and could have a bright future in ministry work.  And to never tell another soul in church.  Ever.  So I set about publicly adapting the church's stance, and praying to God everyday for years, to deliver me from the "sin" of homosexuality.  By the way, he didn't.  One of my regrets is that I remained quiet in many circumstances regarding the church and homosexuality, simply because I was trying to hide who I was.  I am still heartbroken with the fact that people I loved were hurt and offended by some of the beliefs I professed.

There was of course a handful of the standard questions:  Who's the woman?  (Neither.  That would negate the whole being attracted to men thing, no?)  Which do you like better, men or women?  (Clearly men, but that doesn't negate what I had with my wife.)  Why did I marry a woman? (This answer isn't so clear cut.  At the time when I realized I was probably gay, I was already in a relationship with my high school sweetheart.  I was coming up in a time when being gay wasn't accepted.  I wanted a family and kids, and back then that was hardly attainable for gay couples.  And I did love my wife.  I will talk more about that in part 2.)

I'll talk more about some of the more difficult questions I have faced over this journey.  My hope is that my story will help and encourage.  In the very least, maybe it will connect with someone who feels alone as they go through this journey.

And no, brain surgery did not make me gay.

I'm Good With Me

This morning was like any other morning.  Same groggy tossing and turning, hoping to get another half hour of sleep.  Same number of hits on the snooze button.  Same cracks, crunches, and grunts as always, although it is getting a little more noisy when I get out of bed.  You begin to notice these things around 40.  I opened the bedroom door and made my way to the bathroom.  (I'll spare you the details, and get to the point).  Brushing my teeth, I looked at my reflection in the mirror.  I stared into my eyes, still puffy from sleep.  After I recognized parts of my dad staring back at me, I began to question myself.  Who am I?  Do I like what I see?  Am I good with the person staring back at me?

I have pondered these questions many times before.  I think it is a very healthy thing to take stock of where you are and who you are every once and a while.  So after the normal list of things I'd like to work on, things I'd like to change, it was time for an answer.  Yes.  For the first time in my adult life, I can look myself right in the eyes in a mirror, and say yes, I am good with me.  Many, many things brought me to this point.  Experiences that were painful, yet necessary.  Situations I saw no clear path out of.  But I survived. 

On the outside, I am a divorced, disabled, overweight 40 year old father of 4.  Messy divorce, came out as gay.  Living in an ugly part of town.  Scraping by check to check like everyone else does.  But There is so much more to me and so much more to my life than can be summed up in a paragraph.

That's what this new blog is about.  How James Michael Howe got to this place in his life.  I'm gonna be honest, it was messy at times.  I made a lot of mistakes along the way.  There has been some hurts and some heartache.  There has also been an amazing amount of growth and change.  An amazing amount of love.  An amazing amount of blessings.  I am good with me.

Why blog about it?  Because I am at a place in my life where I can actually share some wisdom, some encouragement, and some lessons I have learned along the way.  Let me apologize up front to my mother, grandmother and aunties, there will be some messy parts.  Probably an occasional language slip.  (OK, probably a lot more than occasionally)  I am going to talk about faith, relationships, parenting, sexuality, spirituality, health, politics, and many other things.  There maybe times where I ramble on, and you may wonder where the hell I am going with this.  I promise, it'll be worth it.  If you knew me before, it will surely be a new introduction.  If you know me now, you will recognize many of the things we have probably talked about.  There will be some in my life that will have their questions answered.  There will be some who think this is a waste of time.  I will also have an incredible amount of support.  That's just how my tribe rolls.  

So why do it?  I feel like maybe this could be my legacy.  This could be something that my kids and grand kids will read.  And when I am long gone, they can read about my crazy life.  Maybe it will teach them a thing or two.  

Or maybe just make them laugh...