Our Thank You Letter

Well, here we are, almost a year into marriage.  And we can safely say it was and is so much more than we imagined.  So much more than we were ready for.  We have needed encouragement, support and love along the way.  At our wedding, we asked for the blessing of our family and friends, encouragement, and lifelong support of our decision to be married. We have received that and so much more, starting with our wedding on December 1.  We have been lifted up by your love, motivated by your encouragement, and humbled by just how much love and support our family and friends have shown and freely given.

There was so much that was right and that was perfect on our day.  The fresh covering of snow added an element of magic.  The rustic and country style decor set the perfect mood.  And when the choir started, everyone knew we were in for something special.  We had so much help and support throughout the whole process, and we wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who helped.

First, I would like to thank our wedding party.  Wendie, your support, help, emotion, and sense of  sparkle helped bring the magic to the day, and helped keep us sane.  We will never forget the emotional support and love you gave us.  Dawn, you and I have always had a connection, and from the engagement at your house, to the engagement photos day, right up to walking down the isle with Nate, you were a part from start to finish.  As it should have been.  Melissa, your help and suggestions visually helped us so much!  And personally, I thank you for being a constant in Mark's life, throughout so much change.  And your reading was perfect!  Tisa, how amazing that you came back into my life at a time when Mark and I were starting our life together,  You have become one of our best friends, and it all started when you volunteered to jump in as a last minute bridesmaid.

To my brother and sister, and children too.  You have all seen me at my worst, and were there to help me pick up the pieces.  You supported Mark and I every step of the way, and you have accepted and loved him as a brother.  It means the world to him.  And I am forever grateful.  JB, Nate, Aiden and Emma, it  meant the world to me that you were there as our marriage started, and you have helped us become a family again.  JB your song was a very special moment.  Nate,from start to finish, you were our right hand man,  We would not have been able to pull it off without you.  Aiden, your toast was perfect in every way, and Emma, you were beautiful, just like a real life princess.  You will always be my little girl, but that day I realized the beautiful young woman you are becoming  Thank you all, and I love you to the moon, and Mark does too.  To my buddy Rich, I am so sorry a bad chicken wrap took you out!  But, leading up to the wedding, you helped keep me sane by letting me vent and stress to you.  Thank you!  (Speaking of chicken, remember the chicken is the bush???)

And to my nieces and nephew, Kaden, Krista and Olivia.  We love you just as our own, and you all made us so proud that day.  Our wedding would not have been the same without the parts you each played.  We love you!

Aside from the wedding party, we had so much help making our crazy ideas and visions come to life.  A huge thank you to Sue Hopkins for all the little details she brought in for decorations, all the help she gave, and it was because of you we even had that venue.  (Which was perfect!)  Another huge thank you to Mark's dad, Mark Sr..  From start to finish, he wore many hats.  From taking a trip to the hardware store for an electrical part to make the gazebo light up, to his beverage shopping trip with Mark.  He helped keep everything safe.  And most of all, got to spend the morning before the wedding getting ready with Mark.  That is every bit what a father does, and we thank you!  And the cleanup would have been so much worse if not for your help!

And to our moms- whether it was Mom Howe helping us to keep things in perspective, or Mom Delaney helping us fix the flowers and helping us make the last minute ends meet, we thank you and we love you.

Perhaps one of the biggest gifts to us, was the catering.  My auntie Lisa and uncle Dan prepared, cooked and set up the entire buffet.  The food was outstanding, and we will always be grateful for your gift.  Our first meal together as husbands was prepared with love by you.  Thank you and we love you!

Becca and Auntie- each of your readings were perfect.  Becca, it really is true, all I ever really needed to know, was learned in the sandbox in kindergarten.  Thank you.  And Auntie, yours was so heartfelt, and was perfect.  Your perspective on the promises of marriage was inspiring.

Now for the nuts and bolts-Mark's friend Maria bought that beautiful wedding cake, and his friend Margaret picked up the plates and napkins when we had a minor crisis.  And Wendie with the biodegradable utensils!  Such a small detail that meant so much to me.  Thank you all!

Uncle Dean, we are so thankful you recorded the day.  We didn't even think about that, and you captured it perfectly.  (By the way, here is the link to the video: https://youtu.be/BdguT2k7y9c)

If I have forgotten anyone, my apologies.  There were so many people who helped us, and we are so appreciative.

Of all the special moments, from the choir, to the exchange between Mark and the kids- from JB's song, to our vows, there is one moment that sticks out to me.

The choir was singing "Come What May".  I was leaning on one of the beams towards the back, and watched as my kids and our closest friends walked down the aisle.  I looked around and saw all the people who have played a part in our journey.  And then in the doorway, this man appeared.  He was tall, and handsome and looked like a prince.  This man represented everything I wanted in a partner, and more importantly, everything I didn't know I needed.  I remember him trembling with nerves, and it was everything in my power not to grab him and hug him.  All I could think was "God, I love this man."  As we made our way down the aisles towards each other, all the fear, questions, doubts, and anticipation melted away.  This was it!  I was marrying my best friend, my soul spark, my everything.  I will never forget these moments, and the embrace we shared when we met in the front was raw, real, and perfect.

So thank you to all of you for helping our journey begin with the perfect day.  We hope you all felt part of a big family, and felt the love that was shared that day.  Here's to many more years ahead of us!

But the Living- They Belong with the Living

I was sorting through my pile of clothes today, and came across this hat.  It's life has long passed, and it isn't even wearable anymore.  And every time I throw it away, i end up going back to the trash and take it back out.  I have another hat similar to it, that is still wearable.  (Its the hat you all probably see on my head all the time)  I am sure I will go through the same thing when this hat is threadbare and ripping apart at the seems. 

There is nothing particularly special about the hat itself.  Its just a camo hat.  Like every other one out there.  It has a couple stains on it, smells funky on warm days (I do wash it when it gets like that).   The value of this hat for me, is the memories associated with it. 

In about a month, it will be 9 years since my dad passed.  Some days it seems so long ago.  Others, like today, the hurt and the missing him feel just like it did when I woke up the morning after he passed.  In these 9 years though, I have come to understand my father so much more fully.  I think that happens to fathers and sons when the sons have sons of their own.  I just wish he was here so I could tell him "Dad, I see you.  I get you.  And I'm sorry."

So back to the hats.  I used to take the kids to Bass Pro Shops every now and then.  Just to get out.  Just to see the latest and greatest outdoor stuff.  To play the arcade games, and make big plans about the camping trips we would go on, and which tents we would want.  This time, my father wanted to come.  He was in a wheelchair at the time, as this was after his leg amputation.  I knew he wasn't up for it-it was an hour drive.  But I wasn't going to tell him no.  So we got to his house to pick him up, and he was insisting that HE use his slide board, and HE got into the car on his own.  I think part of it was he wanted to be strong in front of the kids, and show them he was ok.  I think the other part was he wanted to show me.  He saw the look on my face.  It wasn't pitty, and I hope he knew that.  I was hurting for him.  My heart felt his struggles.  And now, with struggles of my won coming to terms with my limitations, I remember his strength and l determination.  So we drove to our destination.  Stopped at Dunkin for some coffee, and laughed and joked with the kids the whole way there. 

It was a fun trip.  He kicked the boys' asses at the hunting arcade, which no doubt elevates him higher to my boys.  (He wasn't just my hero and my brother's hero, he was my sons' hero as well.)

It was during this trip that I bought these 2 hats.  This was to be the last outing we would take with my father.  He died later that year.  And I have had one of these hats on since.  I had one fly out the window this past summer.  And I cried.  Wasn't cause I lost the hat.  It was because I felt like I was losing 1 of the last pieces of my dad I had left.  (Yes, I got it back.  Mark pulled over on the side of the road on our way back so I could get it.)  It was in trying to explain to Mark why I was so upset, that I realized something.  I was holding on to thing associated with my dad because I never really made peace with his passing.  I wasn't ready for him to leave.  We were just finding our relationship.  I still needed him.  So in some way, these things helped me feel like I was still holding on to him in some way.  I still have a set of his truck keys that I have thrown away a few times as well.  (I don't think he knows I know, but I am pretty sure Mark took them out of the trash once too)

I remembered this saying that was told to me.  I used to work for a Macedonian family in their deli.  After a death in the family, the patriarch of the family, Jovan, told me "Dimitry, the dead belong with the dead.  But the living- they belong with the living."  I dismisses it as part of his old world charm and wisdom, and never gave it much thought.  But that resonates with me so much now.  Grief is a paralyzing thing sometimes.  Its lonely.  Its exhausting.  And it has no time frame.   But if we get caught up in the loss, its easy for parts of us to die.  Life is still going on.  Death is a very real, very constant part of life. 

I've learned that dwelling on loss, getting stuck in grief, keeps you in this weird in between space.  Life and living is muddled, and death is always on the mind.  I keep those words in my mind always.  "But the living-they belong with the living."  That is exactly how my father would have wanted it to be.  You have to live while you are still living. 

I will miss my dad until I see him again.  That's a given.  And he was such a huge presence in this family.  But I am still alive.  And I know in my heart, all the turmoil and sadness and insanity he experienced in his life is gone.  I hope he is spending his time fishing in the next life.  He loved that. 

And I will keep the hats, even after I can't wear them.  And I still have his truck keys to a truck that doesn't exist anymore.  But not because they are a shrine to his death, but as a way to honor the life he lived when he was here, and keep his memory and all the great memories we have, alive.

The living belong with the living.

Who is Left Standing When the Fog Lifts?

We live in an area where the geology (hills, valleys, orchards, farms, altitude) contributes to some pretty awesome weather conditions.  Coming home from Syracuse on night in November, we hit some fog that was downright scary.  Like Stephen King scary.  It started right around the massive orchard at the bottom of the big hill we live on.  From that orchard, it lasted about 5 miles.  This fog was so thick, that Mark was driving literally 10 mph.  We couldn't see any of the landmarks we usually see on our way home.  We couldn't see past the shoulder on the road.  Mark is the best driver I know, and even he was nervous driving in it.  It is by far the worst fog I have ever experienced.  Once we got to Otisco, the fog started to dissipate, and about a mile from our home, was clear.  It was such a feeling of relief when we could see again.  In the fog, it was hard to determine our location.  It was difficult to tell which direction where were going.  It was impossible to visually determine what was around us, what was lurking in the dense beyond.  It was hard to see any safe place.

(Disclaimer:  I know there are people that all of what is said below does not apply to.  If we have talked via text or facebook or phone, we are good.  We have some of the greatest friends in our life, and this blog post in no way minimizes that.)

I have been in that kind of fog mentally and physically for a while now.  The only other person who really knows how bad it can get and had gotten, is Mark.  This takes a huge toll on him, and he has been trying to keep his head above water dealing with this and with the things life has thrown at us.  Foolishly, I though I had been communicating with those close to us, (if not by phone, than by facebook updates), about how we were struggling.  Apparently I wasn't.  I have had a couple "friends" message me directly about how distant I have been, and how I must not value their friendship.  I have also had a few others, who after me canceling plans, or me not responding right away, took to facebook with passive aggressive posts.  Still another who was wondering how we are able to go out occasionally with each other or with the kids, if money is so tight.  So, since the "fog" has started to lift, I figured I would set the record straight about some things.

Two weeks ago, I had a procedure done to try and kill off the damaged nerves in my head that cause the debilitating head and neck pain and spasms.  It took over a year to fight the insurance, and the only way we actually got it approved, was by adding me on Mark's insurance.  Which is almost prohibitively expensive.  The procedure so far has been effective, and has given me relief.  I am actually starting to feel a little more like me, and after this last flare up, which lasted for about 2 months, I am adjusting to a new normal.  We have had so much support, and help (with rides to my appointments and procedure, to friends donating and helping us get the co pays covered so they will do the second procedure in a few months.)  This is the challenge we have been most open about, and it is pretty well known.  That isn't the only thing we have been dealing with.  So let me clear the air.

Since Mark's accident in October of 2017, we have had nothing but issues with our truck.  Our only vehicle.  Once we moved here, the hills and distance driving has put excess wear and tear on the truck.  We have literally had work done on it multiple times every month, and we still have a list of things that need to be done.  Literally thousands of dollars on this truck over the last year.  And because we are backwards on the payments (meaning we owe more than the truck is worth), we are stuck.  Thank God for Triple A and mobile mechanics.  So yes, on 2 specific instances, we had to cancel plans.  Because the vehicle, our only one, was not functioning.  Let me be the first to apologize for how those situations may have "devalued" our friendships over the last year.  (Yes, that was sarcasm)  Life happens.  I would think true friendships can survive something as mundane as car troubles.

Since the move in October, we have dealt with a steady stream of household issues, (power trouble with National Grid, heat problems, a leak in the garage, etc...) that have added to our stress level.  It was also in October that Mark and I got tangled up in a Child Protective Services investigation into why my ex wife was allowing the kids to not go to school.  This hung over our heads for 2 months.  Phone interviews, home visit, answering questions into personal aspects of our life, all because of a legal technicality.  The investigation has since concluded, and our family made it out mostly unscathed.  It was still a massive stressor, and any of you who have been through it, understands.  For those of you who can't comprehend how crushing that amount of stress is, be thankful you never had to go through that.

In September, December, and again in February, I was in the hospital for head pain and neck spasms that I couldn't break at home, and that were debilitating enough for a hospital visit.  In February, Nate found me unconscious on the bathroom floor.  He had to call Mark to come home from work, and then an ambulance took me in.  It was a seizure, after being seizure free for 2 years.  The flare up of headaches, pain, and insomnia started the week before our wedding, and lasted until about 2 weeks ago.  Because of this, business took a massive hit.  So bad, that we now have a monumental task of restoring our reputation and rebuilding our business.  On top of Mark working full time, helping keep the business even basically running, he has had to take care of me.  Making dinner more than I can, doing laundry because I can't, keeping track of what is due when, and what appointments are when.  This all fell on him.  For 2 months.  Right after our wedding.  I still don't know how he did it.  And if I should apologize to anyone, it is him.  He deserves so much more.  So much better.  The sad part is, very few of our friends and family actually even checked on him to see how he was doing.  A text or a phone call would have went a long way.

So aside from all this, there is the Bipolar fun that has complicated everything.  There are some days that the pain had been so long lasting and so severe that it kept me in bed all day.  Anyone who knows anything about mental illness, understands that stress and physical pain are the 2 biggest contributing factors.  There have been 3 manic episodes in that time.  Only a couple people know how bad the manic times are.  They are destructive.  They are damaging.  I go from days of not being able to talk to anyone, (literally not being able to), to cramming everything I couldn't do, on the days that I actually feel good.  It is very difficult to manage, and it has been the most damaging to Mark and our relationship.  Mental illness is not some badge to show off.  Mental illness is not something to brag about and use it for attention.  It is a day to day, sometimes hour to hour struggle.  It is not some romantic notion to cling to for facebook likes.  It sucks.  It hurts.  And it has pushed me to the point of not wanting to live at times.  (There have been some med changes recently that have made a huge difference.)

Mark and I have done things to each other in the past that have been very hurtful.  We have worked through a lot of it, and our focus has largely been building our relationship and starting our marriage off in a good place.  So yes, our focus has been us and our family.  I would hope everyone can understand that.  We have a very special thing going, and we will protect that at all costs.  That has meant pulling away from some places and some things.  That is something I will not apologize for.

Aside from the specifics mentioned, right after our wedding, we were hit with how unorganized and ungrateful we were to certain family.  We had to apologize for the way some people were treated by members of our family.  We were criticized for everything from our friends and our kids, right down to Mark's last name.  (This has all been dealt with and worked through, and things are fine now).  We were made to feel like shit, like we were doing something wrong, for not being able to save another family member from a mess they created.  One week before the wedding, we were scrambling to get Nate health insurance because his mother dropped him from hers when he moved in with us.  (He is insured, as am I, but the premiums are killing us.)

I share this not to complain.  I am not looking for sympathy.  In fact, the only thing I am looking for is clarity.  I am looking to set the record straight.  We scrape by, and pinch pennies wherever we can.  Yes, we take the kids out to dinner.  1 time per month, and we have to scrape and save and budget for that.  Yes, we go to the casino a couple times a month.  To spend free play vouchers we get every week.  It costs us nothing but the gas we spend, trying to at least get out of the house.  We don't shop for clothes unless something is threadbare and has to be replaced.  I am sewing buttons on Mark's work pants, just so he has more than 2 pairs to wear for work.  Yes, in the last 6 months, we have gotten a new bed and a new furniture set.  Both used.  Both from good friends who gave us a little time to save up money for them.  Both to replace furniture that was falling apart.  You know what we spend our money on?  Prescriptions.  Never ending truck repairs.  Rent.  National Grid.  Health insurance that costs us $350 a month.  Co-pays.  Gas to get back and forth.  Even when we were struggling, and even when we were turning in change, we still visited friends whenever we went to Syracuse.  Many, many times.  We had parts of our wedding gifted to us, because we didn't want or ask for anything.  Truth be told, if not for the loving kindness of our family and friends, we would have gotten eloped.  Before you make comments or pass judgment on how we earn or spend money, you should know the whole story.  When you make assumptions, you look like an asshole.

I have had 2 conversations with friends recently that has meant the world to me.  One friend messaged me apologizing for being an absentee friend.  What is so special about this, is that she has been kicked around by life lately.  She has been going through some awful shit.  But she reached out.  and understood that I was going through shit to, and she just wanted to tell me she loved me and she was thinking about us.  My response to her was the fact that she reached out while she was enduring struggles of her own, shows that she isn't a bad friend.  And I told her the love is still the same.  Another friend reassured me that he knows the struggles, and he doesn't take it personally if it takes me a few days to get back.  Life happens.  We never know what struggles someone else is facing.  When life settles down, we pick up our friendships and fun times right where we left off.

Now that the fog is lifting, I can see things better.  I can see things more clear.  I can see all of the uncertainty, and obstacles are in view now.  I also see who is left standing by us.  It has been extremely hurtful to have people question our friendships and loyalties.  Especially because we have bent over backwards for those very people.  I truly apologize for anything we have done to make people feel some kind of way.  I have a limited, finite amount of energy, and daily, I have to prioritize how to use it.  It has been spent on my marriage, my family, and my health.  For that, I will not apologize.  I truly had hoped that people would understand, and not judge.

Day by day, I feel better.  Piece by piece we are putting back the things that were disrupted over the last few months.  Life happens.  We are all in this together.  Let's try to use some compassion and understanding in our day to day life.  Everyone has struggles.  Everyone has times when they pull away.  Maybe, just maybe, try understanding and putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

And for the record, the friends who ran their mouth or had judgments or nasty opinions, I still have love for you.  Always will.  I just won't be expending my energy on people who don't or won't understand what we are facing in our life.

Love to all.
Jim