photo: Aiden Howe
Last night, after a hectic and crazy
busy couple of weeks, Mark, the kids and I hung out at my mom and
aunt's house. They live in an old church parsonage that is still
connected to an abandoned church, and my aunt has turned it into an
amazing hang out. Pool table, couches, a tv, a stereo system...it's
great. My oldest 2 nieces were there, and my mom hung out with us as
well. Couple beers, some awesome tunes, and some fun group dances
ensued. We all did the cotton eye joe, the cupid shuffle, the
macarena...we covered them all. The love that we have for each other as a family is so evident in these times. I thought about my dad, and all the
times when the whole family was together and my dad would have these
moments where he would just hang back, get quiet for a little bit,
and watch. Listen. See his own children grow and have children of
their own. I always wondered what my dad was thinking and feeling
during those times. Now, I know.
Totally off topic, but we are flying
down a country road, windows wide open, sun shining. Emma fell
asleep on Aiden's shoulder, and Nate is listening to music. These
are the moments I live for! I am pretty simple when it comes to
father's day. Spending time with my kids and Mark is all the present
I need. So, back to the topic at hand!
My dad was the same way. He loved it
when the entire family was together. The boys helped us finish a
couple monster projects Friday night, and they came out perfectly. Emma even helped out with the painting. It was definitely a cool time of bonding as a family, everyone working towards the same common goal Every parent knows that for as much as we get wrong as parents, there are these moments where we knw we got something right. That's what this weekend was for our family. something very right.
I feel like as each passing year goes by, and I learn and grow more as a father, (who will in the near future be a grandpa), I know my own father a little more. He has been gone for almost eight years now, but I think that is how it works, isn't it? you find out so much about your parents as you go through parenthood yourself. One of the new realizations I have come to is just how much I am like my father. My dad was a dreamer. Life dealt him a shit hand, and he always had big dreams and big ideas. Even through every setback and obstacle. Even when his ideas or thoughts never really panned out, he was still taking about big plans. Huge ideas. Big dreams of what would make his life ideal. He would get this sparkle in his eye, and get super passionate when he would tell me his latest plan. In the excitement, his language got very...colorful?? (There is no way to make this polite. the man had one of the most explicit vocabularies I have ever heard.) He swore just as much when he was excited about something, as he did when he was angry. His joy literally couldn't be contained. Towards the end, he didn't talk big ideas and huge dreams. He talked of regrets, and amends. He spoke of the things he missed, like dancing with my mom. Man how I miss that sparkle and enthusiasm now. It comes out in me when I get excited or have another great (I think anyways) idea. I get that same sparkle. My vocabulary gets just as colorful. And it always seems to be Aiden who this happens most with, but I get deja vu, and see Aiden as me or my brother Kyle, and me as my dad. It's a pretty wild thing, and something I am so glad I got from my dad. I think when you stop dreaming, and cultivating ideas, you grow old. They may blow up in my face, and they may fail, but I will always be able to say I tried. My dad was the same way.
I think deep down my father knew that he wouldn't accomplish all of his dreams and ideas in his lifetime. And in all honesty, I know deep down I won't accomplish all my dreams and plans as well. But it is in that knowing, and that realization, and that drive to keep pushing towards something, that I know my dad more. It is in that commonality we have that connects the past with the future, the old to the young.
So here is where I will wrap this all up. Before we left the shore, Aiden was making rock stacks. We talked about how these rock stacks were used throughout many cultures and religions, as altars, markers for direction, symbols of covenants and communion with God, markers of graves, monuments to birth, marriage, or commemorating a battle. As he was making his stacks, I found a little nook in this tree right on the shore. just out of reach of the branches was a large flat rock. I took a few steps out to that rock and sat there reflecting, soaking in the sun and peace around me. I gave thanks for my father, and all the things, good and bad he brought to my life. I gave thanks for the life I have now, and for my children. I gave thanks for Mark, and for the ways he has helped me be a better, kinder, more loving man. then I slid off the rock and waded to the shore where that little nook was. On the shores of Lake Ontario, on a picture perfect Father's Day, I built two rock piles, or markers. One to commemorate the past, and the time I had with my father. The other one was to commemorate the future, and the blessing I get to be a part of as my boys become their own men, and my daughter finds her place in this big world.
And Dad, if I never told you before, thanks for showing me how to dream.
